just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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