haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
