all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
