Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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