Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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