My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
