Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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