Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
