You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize