I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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