I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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