The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
