mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize