In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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