I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
