apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
