she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
