i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
