I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
