I think my fart just growled at me.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
