Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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