I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
