Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are we still banned from the library?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
