This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
