i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
