So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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