Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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