we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is the high leading the old right now
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
