I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
As shirtless as possible
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
