Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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