there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
