Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
