What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
