At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
