I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
