there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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