The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
