I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
