Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
