I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
