mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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