i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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