all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
