You're so nebulous sometimes
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
