WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
