I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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