i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
