can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My pussy is not your playground.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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