It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I pour the whiskey from now on
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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