Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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