I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
