Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
