I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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