I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Someone signed my nipple.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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