Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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