I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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