Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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