i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
