I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
