Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
