Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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