Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
