Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
