you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
