four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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