im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
